


I'm Drawing Circles Don't You Know

by Moriartied



Series: Group Dynamics [6]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Development, Dom Louis, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Lairport 2k15, M/M, Mile High Club, Not much actual smut but yeah, Semi unhealthy relationship, Sub Harry, but it'll get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 11:52:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3849988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moriartied/pseuds/Moriartied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry fly to Australia to start the OTRA tour and Harry has some revelations about their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Drawing Circles Don't You Know

**Author's Note:**

> Because I think Harry's perspective here is necessary. His actions so far have been somewhat contradictory I know, so this will explain a lot of that. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has been reading this series! There will definitely be more to come. Please leave comments and feedback, so I know whether you guys actually like it and are interested in more. Let me know what's working and what isn't, and what you'd like to see in the future! I have a Ziam chapter in the works, and ideas for two more chapters, so hopefully I'll get those finished sometime soon.
> 
> Written on my iPad and proofread to the best of my ability, but I accept full responsibility for typos.
> 
> Title is from Fight For You by Morgan Page.

**Date: February 6, 2015**

**Location: Australia**

**POV: Harry**

 

Harry knows what he's doing. He didn't at first, not for a while really, but now he does, and he feels so, so shitty about it.

He doesn't deserve the angel that is Louis William Tomlinson. But he's selfish. Incredibly, horribly, selfish, and he's probably going to keep holding onto Louis until he drives this so far into the ground that they're both destroyed by the fiery wreckage.

Most days Harry really really hates himself.

They fly from LA to Sydney together in early February. They haven't actually been on a plane together in ages, and it brings back memories for the boy of them, and of course they end up fucking no less than four times during the fifteen hour flight. Harry blows Louis, kneeling between his legs under a blanket while Louis watches the in flight movie, then a couple hours later, Louis has him bent over the sink in the cramped bathroom, and then when everyone's asleep, they close the curtain of the first class bed seats and Harry rides Louis with his hair scarf balled up in his mouth to keep him quiet.

Its a good day, all things considered, but Harry still feels dirty when he's curled up next to Louis, their bodies pressed impossibly close together in the tight confines of the seat. Louis calls him Princess and presses kisses into his hair and Harry snuggles into him but he feels like he's sinking another level deeper in hell every time he takes comfort that he doesn't deserve.

Louis falls asleep, but Harry stays up for the remainder of the flight, fingers running over the rope pattern circling the cuff around his wrist.

He knows Louis loves him. He has endless reminders of his commitment. But somehow it's not enough. He's still convinced Louis' eventually going to figure out that he's not worth it and he's going to leave. So if Harry's subconsciously or consciously trying to speed up that process, well that's just another thing to add to the tally of his fucked up emotional issues.

He's not sure his attempts at sabotage are working the way he wants them to though, because _God_ Louis is just so incredibly _sweet_ that even though Harry is hurting him--and he knows for certain that he's hurting him--he just takes it, and gives him so much love in return.

In Harry's defense, he did only figure this out less than a year ago, and by they time he was in so deep with Louis that no matter what he did, someone was going to get hurt. The realization of how horrible a person he was sent him spiraling out of control for a bit until he'd decided to get his shit together and try to make things better. The new year seemed a convenient time to put his self-improvement plan into action, labeling it a resolution in his head. He knew he didn't have the self control to fix himself, so he, grudgingly, added that to the list of things he put on Louis.

The rules are good, Harry thinks. Having a formal list of things he's expected to do makes it easier to, you know, do them. And when he fucks up, he gets punished, which is supposed to be a deterrent, but Harry knows he deserves more punishments than Louis could ever dole out in a lifetime. So instead he sees the punishments as a meager attempt at penance, and yeah, that's probably still pretty fucked up, but it's progress, right?

That evening they're in a hotel in Sydney and their sleep schedules are all out of whack from the plane ride, so Harry curls up on the couch with his head in Louis' lap as they watch Chopped. After Harry had showered off the grime from the plane, he's tied a blue scarf into his hair and Louis had immediately shifted over to make room for Harry and carded his fingers through his damp hair as he pulled him onto his lap. Harry shuts his eyes, letting himself enjoy his and ignoring the ever present voice in his head reminding him that there's no way this could last. He has Louis now and he's going to make the most of it.

Louis plays with his hair, untangling the knots he finds and twirling the curls around his fingers. Harry lets out a soft breathy moan, nudging his head up against Louis' hand like a cat.

He knows Louis is exhausted, even though he got a couple hours sleep on the plane. Louis needs at least eight hours a night to not feel absolutely miserable, though it's rare that he gets it, which means that most of the time he just grins and bears it, which makes Harry's chest clench with some emotion he can't quite put a name to, but it's something like guilt.

So while Harry really wants Louis to take care of him right now, he knows Louis needs to sleep, but he'll never put his own needs first while Harry is there, so Harry sits up.

"I'm going to go grab a drink at the lobby bar with Niall," he says. Louis frowns but then nods.

"Alright, don't stay out too late?"

Harry winces slightly at Louis' tone, tinged with disappointment and worry. He doesn't want Louis to worry. He leans in to kiss him on the cheek. "Two hours tops," he promises. "Don't wait up for me though, you look exhausted."

Louis gives a strained smile. "Okay baby. I love you."

Harry swallows the lump in his throat, but his expression softens. "I love you too." And he does. So, so, much. More than he has any right to.

He pulls off his head scarf and tucks it into his back pocket, then grabs his phone from his bag and heads out the door to find Niall's room. He glances back at Louis, who has a tight furrow in his brow that Harry hopes is just from lack of sleep but he knows he's kidding himself.

Getting drunk is against the rules, but God he needs to not fucking think so much. As he walks down the hallway he contemplates whether a punishment would be worth it. He would deserve it, certainly, and he would deserve Louis' disappointment in him. He could handle that as well. What he can't handle is the hurt, knowing that his behavior is literally breaking the boy, he wants to be good. He wants to prove himself to Louis. Give him reasons to stay.

That thought makes him stop cold in his tracks. He doesn't think it's one his brain has ever actually articulated before. He wants Louis to stay. Of course he does, he always has, but right now he's realized that he's willing to fight for it.

He goes to the bar, because he's already promised Niall, but he only has a beer and then leaves a half hour later to return to his and Louis' room. He ties the scarf back into his hair when he gets to the door of the bedroom, and crawls up into the bed, practically throwing himself into Louis' embrace as the tears start to fall. Louis looks a little terrified, wrapping his arms tightly around Harry to comfort him but Harry shakes him off, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I'm so sorry, Lou. I'm so, so sorry."

Louis' eyes narrow in confusion, hands stilling where they had been rubbing Harry's back.

"What did you--?"

But Harry shakes his head again. "I didn't break any rules... This time. I promise. I wanted to. But I didn't," he babbles on, then stops himself. "Sorry," he says again, and involuntary bleat of slightly manic laughter bubbling in his throat. He's not really sure what his emotions are doing right now, so he takes a breath to try to center himself, and continues. "I love you. So much. And I've been such a shit. But I'm going to be good now. I promise."

Louis' frown deepens. Then he brings his hands up to cup Harry's cheeks.

"I have no idea where this is coming from, love, but you don't need to apologize. I know you're trying, and you've been so absolutely lovely since we started this,"--he drops his hand down to encircle Harry's wrist, thumb running over the cuff-- "And I couldn't ask for anything more."

The lump rises in Harry's throat again as Louis speaks. He doesn't deserve this at all, but he knows now that he's going to do everything possible to be the person Louis believes he is. He's determined they're going to last, or at least that he's going to stop actively trying to push Louis away and start believing that Louis actually means it when he says he wants them to be together forever.

Harry throws his arms around Louis' middle and buries his face in his chest.

"Okay," he mumbles. "Okay, yeah, I get it now."

And Louis, who's still exhausted and a little bewildered, just rubs his back and kisses the top of his head, and God, how the hell did Harry get this lucky?

**Author's Note:**

> I exist on [tumblr](http://coltonfuckinghaynes.tumblr.com) sometimes if you want to come find me.


End file.
